What Homeschooling has taught me

Wow that's a heady title, isn't it?  I am at a point in my life where I can see pros and cons of the homeschooling lifestyle, and they are widely disparate and that makes me uncomfortable, because it really is a lifestyle change, much like breastfeeding or not vaccinating or going on a different diet was.

Pros-

Lots and lots of time spent with your child(ren).  This can also be a con.  What homeschooling affords you is time to get to know your children as people, not things.  People who have their own styles of learning, relating to others, writing, reading, drawing, dancing, talking, adding, subtracting, building, crafting, the list goes on.  When my kids were in school I felt more that they were things to be moved from here to there, school, soccer practice, dance class, playdates, parties, you get the idea.  Perhaps it is also because they become their own individual selves, instead of a toddler or baby who absorbs your emotions and reflects them back at you.  Your kids also get to know you.  Your story before you had kids, stories about growing up, the pets you had as a kid, little things they get to know about you because they spend so much time with you and are curious.

Life Lessons

So I have been taking this course, Soul Restoration, that I found through a friend in Iowa.  It has been amazingly life changing and has helped me see even more patterning that I need to change.  It really is amazing how many lessons I have learned since we moved to Florida.

The first and best lesson I learned from this course was about boundaries.  Setting them, honoring them, not allowing people to violate them, walk all over them, or destroy them.  What I didn't realize is that I have had permeable boundaries for as long as I have been living.  When you are young and your "no" statements are over-ridden, either by words or by force, you don't learn how to develop and keep boundaries.  Then when you get a bit older and have the language to say that you are being hurt and would appreciate it if the person would stop, and the person says that you are "too sensitive", that is a violation of your boundaries.  If you don't stand up for yourself again, the person thinks that it is ok to continue being abusive and will walk all over your boundaries as long as you let them do it.

The Drama Triangle

Drama.  It's a natural part of life.  Right?  Right?  I keep asking myself this question lately.  In high school my mantra was "Normal people are boring." or "It's boring to be normal.  Who wants to be normal?" I never understood my motivation when I created drama with girlfriends by playing them against each other and being involved in a three way friendship.  Or gossiping and expecting secrets to not be told, or telling secrets that were not meant to be told.  All high school-ish behavior, but the glee and manipulative behavior while acting sweet on the outside was classic passive-aggressive.

When I was seventeen I met my Husband.  I knew he was special the first time we met, love at first sight.  I couldn't put my finger on it, we just clicked.  He didn't think anything of my feminine wiles.  He knew I didn't trust women because of what I knew I was capable of myself, and he played on that in a big way.  Told me I didn't need those girls, who I didn't like anyway, I just needed him.  He understood how I really felt about my friends, because he knew about the drama I was creating.

Change at the Speed of Snail

My pediatrician said to me on our first visit that it takes 20 years to change clinical practice.  That parents are changing the treatment of autistic and sensory children simply because they demand it.  And that if we waited for clinicians to do it, we'd be waiting too long because children grow up too fast.

In that same vein I just read this article on gluten sensitivity: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704893604576200393522456636.html.

In two separate places the woman who runs the gluten intolerance group of north america says that patients have been told that it's in their head or they are crazy if they don't have celiac but still react to gluten.  Their symptoms simply written off as psychiatric.  It also says, "Peter Green, director of the Celiac Disease Center says that research into gluten sensitivity today is roughly where celiac disease was 30 years ago."

A Louisiana Girl's Iowa Observations

First of all, everyone here is blonde.  Everyone.  It is uncanny how many blonde haired, blue eyed adults and children live here.  Someone said they are of scandinavian descent, but I'm not sure.

Snow does not kill weeds.  I thought for sure it would.  It does not kill grass, either.  It melts and the grass is just as green as it was in Autumn, and the weeds you left in the Fall are still there.

Snow also doesn't melt like I thought it would, into rivers of water.  It melts slowly, from the top of the pile, like your snowball does.  It also retreats from the edge of the curb like the waves at the beach.  Curb to sidewalk.  For some reason I didn't think it would go that way.

Avatar's Pain

I have been thinking about writing this since the Super Bowl, but it wasn't until I saw the movie Avatar that it was clear why.  If you haven't seen it, it is about people who transform themselves into another life form, and live on a distant planet much like Earth, to learn about the native's culture, so that they can excavate their energy source and bring it back to Earth.  The main character goes through a process of becoming more and more like the natives, and eventually decides to stay.

But that is not the pain part I am talking about, the pain of learning a new language, and culture, and way of life.  I'm talking about the pain of seeing your hometown on TV when your reality is something completely different.

Kindergarten: the Great Equalizer

Everyone told me it would happen, and I thought it would, and it did... my baby started full time school. I still can't believe it's been five whole years since she was born in Hilton Head. Hard to believe we are in Iowa, but the school system is great here, and I have no complaints... at least I wish it were that easy.

Taking your baby to school and dropping her off for seven hours with someone you don't know, much less had a lengthy conversation with, is like walking blindfolded. Frustrating, terrifying, and made worse by the fact that the school wants to simply slam the door in your face so that you will drop them at the door and not say a word. Well, we all know I am not that kind of parent. Leaving my child all day, every day is like walking away without an arm, or a leg. I thought it would feel like my heart was breaking, and it did for a second. But once we got home it felt more like I had a limb missing. A month later I am still walking around the house confused as to what I am supposed to be doing. My whole world is completely thrown off, and now looks like a cockeyed version of the old life. 

On getting off the train

So I finally got to watch Grey's Anatomy... the last four episodes! The season finale was so not worth it, but it got me thinking.

There are two interns sitting there talking to each other, one of which failed the intern exam, and the other who didn't take it at all. The one that failed is talking about being on a train going 200 miles an hour and not knowing how to get off.

What would have happened if I hadn't gotten off that train 10 years ago? I never intended to go Pre-Med. I just told my advisor that my favorite subjects in high school were Biology and Chemistry, and I was put on that track. Of course my parents were beside themselves when I told them my major, but I was not so thrilled. I had gotten on the train.

I ended up enjoying everything but Chemistry. High school chem did not prepare me for a lecture hall with 500 students, and a brilliant professor who couldn't teach his way out of a bag. All of my C's were in Chemistry. Organic chem was so hard, but Biology courses were so easy for me. I ended up being a TA for the Biology Dept.

After a grueling semester taking Genetics, which was so over my head, I had just about had it. I was tired of feeling like I was in over my head and getting C's in my subjects was just not me. My advisor told me point blank that I would never get into med school with my GPA, unless I aced the MCAT. I had never planned on taking the MCAT, nor did I have a desire to go to med school.

I had always felt like a girl in the boy's club in Pre-Med. Sure there were girls who did very well, but I was average for that track. I'm not an average student, never have been. So when I lost my scholarship because of those C's, I decided to change my major. I had finally gotten off the train. What a relief!

I made straight A's in my Nursing courses. Microbiology tests were easy, I got mostly 99s and 100s on them. My advisor kept telling me I was too smart for Nursing. But I was average in Pre-Med. What was I supposed to do? When I transferred back home with Eric I took the NLN, the test to get into Nursing School here. I scored so high that my advisor here told me to go back to Pre-Med. But I had had enough of that track.

Where would I be if I had stayed on the train? 32 years old, single, no kids, stuck in a job that I didn't like. Eric and I would have broken up had I stayed at TCU. He'd be a famous chef, I'd be an M.D. with $80,000 in debt. Or a Biology teacher in Fort Worth b/c I didn't get into med school.

I'm so glad I stuck with what I did. I had a great time in Nursing school, going out and playing at night, and being able to pass my classes with A's and B's. It was actually fun, something I rarely got to experience at TCU b/c I was always studying. I got some real world experience after nursing school that was invaluable. I'm so glad I didn't wait until I was 30 to enter the real world and start working.

Can you imagine what life would be like after 12 years of post-graduation from high school academics? Burnout is an understatement. That's one of the reasons I refrained from getting my Master's degree. I was so burned out by the time I graduated from Nursing school. Really, where would I be now?

I'm doing a job (or three) that I love, I have a great husband and two beautiful kids. The financial picture isn't that great, but so what? I'm glad I got off that train.

Something else to face

Let's face this one head on too-

When you are working, especially from home, or in a job where you bring your kids, you start to see them differently. No longer do their little games and little faces bring joy every time you see them. You start to think they are getting in the way of your work sometimes. And that is a horrible thing to admit, but it is true.

I could never figure my friend Jennifer out. She ran this consignment shop on Hilton Head when we lived there, and she was always complaining that Gabriel, who is 3 months older than Elle, would never let her work! She brought him to work but couldn't get much done. He wanted to nurse a lot and when she didn't pay attention, he would bite her! I just didn't get why she always complained and didn't just sit down now and then and pay attention to him.

Needless to say, now I get it. A lot of my job is talking on the phone, and that is usually a signal for the kids to start running around the house chasing each other, or yelling, or Elle trying to get the Tylenol bottle or homeopathic tablets open so she can "take more medicine". And it's not just for work that I talk on the phone. The same goes for La Leche League moms and doula clients. Sometimes I need quiet to help a mom out who is having a hard time, and those calls don't always come at nap time.

So that usually leads to parking them in front of Sesame Street. It is the only thing I let them watch during the day, and I TIVO it to have it available. It's not like they watch anything besides PBS...

So a few weeks ago I was reading the paper (a rare occurrence these days- I also still have 3 episodes of Gray's Anatomy to watch and that ended in what, April?), and the AAP is talking about how bad it is for kids to watch TV at all if they are under 2. Well great, I think. That was a perfectly acceptable thing for my first child. She didn't watch anything until about 18 months, wasn't interested. But guess what, when I was 33 weeks pregnant with Justin, I was put on bedrest. And I can only farm my kid out so many times before we just have to sit and watch TV. After that she wanted to watch Sesame Street every day.

How bad could it be, I thought? Well, bad. Because Justin learned at a very early age to watch TV. As soon as he could sit in the Bumbo Seat he wanted to sit next to her and watch. He is much more distractible and cannot concentrate on one task like she could at this age. Is it the TV's fault? Who knows.

The point is that guess what, AAP, the TV is part of all of our lives. Our family has gone in cycles, of a lot of TV, and very little. But you know what? If my MIL or another family member lived next door, I could just send the kids over there for the hour I need to get work done instead of parking them. But I don't have that luxury and I don't know many mothers who do. So guess what, until our society circles back to the village concept, tired parents are going to use the TV to get a break.

That's the way it is, folks.

Let's Face It

Working is hard on a mom. But what I didn't expect was that now that I am working, I don't get as much flak from my in-laws about asking for help with the kids. It was like when I was staying at home, the assumption was that I was "running the day care", and they shouldn't have to help unless I had a dental appointment or the like. Of course most of this came from my FIL, my MIL loves to take the kids any time.

It is really strange the way our society views staying at home. It's almost as if we say to moms, you are at home, so you don't deserve any time off from your kids. That's your job. There is even this whole gaggle of SAHMs on the internet who think that if you put your child in preschool or mother's day out, you are farming your child out to someone else and you should feel guilty about taking time out for yourself. Many of them call it "glorified day care". Well whatever. Every mom needs a break now and then. I know I did.

So back to this SAHM VS WAHM VS WOHM. I think in some ways working moms who go to a job have the most help, in our society. They have the support from family or other caregivers who help raise their child(ren). This goes back to the whole village raising a child concept. No woman is an island and shouldn't be expected to raise kids on her own. How much easier things would be if you had your mom or MIL next door to just take the baby when things got hairy or you just needed a colic break!

But that is the expectation now, that a SAHM needs to just suck it up and raise the kids all by herself. If she has help from her family, great. But many times I was afraid to ask for help b/c I kept getting the subtle message that I didn't deserve time off if this was my job now...

So anyway, working at home can be difficult too, because you do have deadlines, like payday was this Tuesday and I had to get everyone's time sheets in on time and make sure they were correct. This is at the same time that Justin is trying to destroy the office while I work.

The thing that just baffles me is this: I had two jobs before this one, or actually three. Raising two kids, La Leche League, and my Doula business. But none of those mattered to my FIL b/c none brought in a regular paycheck. But now that I have a job that brings in money, he is all for watching the kids any time I need them to. I get no more flak for asking for help. No more, well, you should bring Elle when Paige is here because we already are watching a kid.

It is so strange and a sad commentary on the way our society completely devalues mothering...