The Drama Triangle

Drama.  It's a natural part of life.  Right?  Right?  I keep asking myself this question lately.  In high school my mantra was "Normal people are boring." or "It's boring to be normal.  Who wants to be normal?" I never understood my motivation when I created drama with girlfriends by playing them against each other and being involved in a three way friendship.  Or gossiping and expecting secrets to not be told, or telling secrets that were not meant to be told.  All high school-ish behavior, but the glee and manipulative behavior while acting sweet on the outside was classic passive-aggressive.

When I was seventeen I met my Husband.  I knew he was special the first time we met, love at first sight.  I couldn't put my finger on it, we just clicked.  He didn't think anything of my feminine wiles.  He knew I didn't trust women because of what I knew I was capable of myself, and he played on that in a big way.  Told me I didn't need those girls, who I didn't like anyway, I just needed him.  He understood how I really felt about my friends, because he knew about the drama I was creating.


I think he was surprised when I followed through on my plan to go to college out of state.  I knew I could make it on my own and I did, I had great friends in college.  There was some drama when our group got too big and split.  I tried to play peacemaker but just came off looking two faced.  Then there was the drama with us being long distance and seeing each other occasionally, about every three months.  The classic roller coaster of a long-distance relationship seemed to be just what we needed.

Then he went up to college about two hours away from me, and I ended up either spending the weekend with him, or he spent it with me.  More roller-coaster romance.  That didn't leave much time for my friends.  That made me sad but once everyone turned 21 they started drinking, which we had been doing since age 18 in Louisiana.  I was kind of over it and got the line again that I really didn't need them... which I bought, because I loved him.  Unfortunately, I did need them.  They were normal.

Husband decided to leave business school to go to cooking school back in New Orleans.  I had changed my major to Nursing after being Pre-Med and getting annoyed with my GPA, impossible Chemistry classes, getting C's, and losing my academic scholarship due to said Chemistry classes.  I decided to follow him back to Louisiana.  Afterward I felt like it was a huge mistake.  I left my friends who loved me, had a major falling out with my roommate before I left, and got stuck going to a second-rate Nursing school because LSU, SLU, and Charity all had waiting lists that were too long.

He started hanging out with my friends from high school (their boyfriends actually).  I was the only girl, which I liked because it made things less complicated.  But then the boys (originally MY friends) decided they didn't need me around.  I was cramping their style when they were trying to go out and meet girls.  More drama ensued, and Husband and I broke up after a night at the bar when the boys pointed out to me that a girl was there that they wanted him to get together with.  I left him at the bar, Scarlett O'Hara style.

Then I met the Other Guy.  Things were going swimmingly.  I was pretty happy, but life was no longer interesting.  It was normal.  I wasn't at a point in my life that I understood what my motivation was for wanting drama in my life.  Not even close.  My one girlfriend at the time set it up so Husband and I would see each other at a parade during Mardi Gras.  I broke up with Other Guy and got back together with Husband.  For two weeks.

He wasn't ready to settle, and neither was I.  He spent Thursday through Tuesday at the bar with his friends (my friends and some new ones from culinary school).  I went back with Other Guy, kinda.  This time though there was more drama because he didn't want to trust me and I knew that he wasn't my "destiny", because he was normal.  At least I thought he was.  Our relationship was pretty torrid, to the point that he would tell me that I didn't deserve him because I was so awful.  And I was pretty awful to him, probably because drama was more interesting than just loving him.

Husband and I went to a wedding together in May in Texas for some college friends.  We were back together, kinda.  I was seeing the Other Guy, kinda.  It all came to a head about October when Husband was talking about settling down.  I finally told Other Guy that I couldn't be with him anymore.  He said he had bought me a ring.  I never saw it.  I don't know if it existed or not.  What I did know was that I needed to find out if my "destiny" was with Husband or not.  I knew that I loved him and he would make a great dad.  I knew I wanted his babies.  What I didn't understand at the time was that he would play the game with me, and Other Guy would not.

What game, you ask?  Enter the Drama Triangle.  Fast forward to 14 years later, 12 years of marriage, three kids in five years, in-law issues, family issues, moving 5 times, multiple homes, jobs, and just life.  Life was dramatic.  Then Husband and I moved to Florida.  And started playing the game again, in a big way.  This time it was worse.  This time it was on a level that brought in all the family patterns of bickering, fighting, manipulative behavior, nagging, yelling, and being passive-aggressive.  He was miserable in his job, working constantly, and I was new to homeschooling the kids, and never got a break.

I have always felt the push-pull between us.  I knew that pattern was inherited.  The drama and the push-pull Victim-Persecutor game is played out time and time again in alcoholic families.  Drama is a part of life in these families because living with the highs and lows of an alcoholic is dramatic.  I don't think it's a coincidence that both of our grandmothers were alcoholics.  The drinking may have not been passed down, because we don't have that issue, but the behavior certainly was.  Victimhood was something I understood readily, because I saw examples very close to me.

What I didn't understand was the Triangle.  It isn't just push-pull.  It's a dance between three points on the triangle, Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim.  The Persecutor role is a typical male role, but with the negative qualities magnified.  The Rescuer role is a typical female role, but is taken to an extreme.  We've all heard of Enablers and Alcoholics.  What the Triangle does is expand this to a three part dance, where each person plays their primary role, and alternates between the other roles.

Everyone has also heard of the anger cycle.  Alcoholic gets angry, abuses the Enabler, then apologizes.  Enabler is seen as the Victim and Alcoholic is the Persecutor.  However when you add children to this mix, it takes on a whole new level.  Child is very often the Victim, and mom and dad exchange Persecutor and Rescuer roles, and become the Victim themselves too when things get out of hand.  I haven't researched the psychology behind the roles enough to explain it properly, but it makes total sense for our situation and patterns that we are trying to break.

So now that we both understand it, we have to try to change the patterning.  Strive to have a peaceful household and continue to co-parent peacefully.  And recognize when the patterns rear their ugly heads.  Now I understand the passive-aggressive behavior and why it is taken to a whole new level in alcoholic families.  And why when times get hard, we just fall into the Triangle pattern.  It was like that in New Orleans for a while the second time we moved back with our first baby.  It's easy to fall into old family patterns when no one understands why the patterns are there or tries to change them.

That's why I am so thankful that we got out of New Orleans and moved to Iowa.  Things were so bad between us that I couldn't take it any more, being pregnant, and told Husband to leave and start the job in Iowa before I had the baby.  After middle child was born, and all of his issues continued to get worse, communication between us skidded to a halt.  I couldn't take the yelling and fighting anymore while trying to grow a beautiful third baby.

The best thing about living in Iowa was that I made an effort to be around "normal" people.  I had been around restaurant people since Husband started cooking school.  Restaurant people take drama for granted, and most have issues of their own... so being around people who talked about their dogs or what book they were reading was much more refreshing than being around people who only talked about how drunk they got after work, who they slept with, or who was in jail.

Befriending other moms and dads also had the benefit of releasing me from the isolation I felt being the wife of a chef, surrounded by dysfunctional people.  I finally understood that everyone has their own issues they are grappling with, and they are often big, and real, and not self-created.  Creating your own drama may keep life interesting, but it also creates unintended negative consequences.  It hurts others who may not be dysfunctional and may not understand why they are targets of such drama.

So I'm finally to a point in my life where I no longer want drama.  I don't want to play the game any more with Husband.  I just want a loving relationship with him.  I also find that my middle child often becomes the Victim at the bottom and that's a pattern that I don't want to repeat.  He's controlled and made out to be the "problem child", when it is actually our parenting that is lacking and our communication skills that stink.

I found myself creating my own drama to avoid feeling the pain of moving, and losing my normal group of friends, and falling into a group that was all about drama and not about real-life friendship and authentic interaction.  Creating drama is a way to avoid feeling strong emotions.  Sitting and just feeling strong emotions, and learning how to deal with said emotions in a positive way, is truly a learning experience, and can be a struggle for someone with ingrained dysfunctional patterns.

I hope that this doesn't come across as blaming our parents or grandparents, or mine or my husband's programming.  I fully understand that a lifetime isn't long enough sometimes to break patterns or overcome abuse, or even recognize that the patterns are there.  However I want to change said patterns with Husband for my children, and give them the gift of being normal.  Because normal is far from boring.  It's real life.