Taking your baby to school and dropping her off for seven hours with someone you don't know, much less had a lengthy conversation with, is like walking blindfolded. Frustrating, terrifying, and made worse by the fact that the school wants to simply slam the door in your face so that you will drop them at the door and not say a word. Well, we all know I am not that kind of parent. Leaving my child all day, every day is like walking away without an arm, or a leg. I thought it would feel like my heart was breaking, and it did for a second. But once we got home it felt more like I had a limb missing. A month later I am still walking around the house confused as to what I am supposed to be doing. My whole world is completely thrown off, and now looks like a cockeyed version of the old life.
I suppose you could say it is because I have "trained" my daughter to be my helper, my right arm. And she is, when she is here. But I think that would be the easy way out, because it is more than that.
She's weaning again, I think. This time it's not bittersweet. The first time I could still be with her and hold her in my arms when she cried. Now I don't even know if she cries at school or not. The only communication I have about her day is from her. Not that the teacher isn't communicative, she is- via email and when I see her. But there isn't that daily contact with the teacher when you pick your kid up from preschool, the small nuances that you pick up from the other kids as to whether they had a good day or not. The little things that help you get to know who is taking care of your kid while you're not there. Those are, well, non-existent when drop off is leaving your kid at the front door and pick up is chaos.
This time it's bitter. Nothing sweet about how I feel. Yes her teacher is trained to educate her. But does she know my kid the way I do? The way she clams up when another kid approaches her and she doesn't want to play, but can't say no? It's not her job to get to know just my kid, I get it. She has 24 five year olds to take care of, and attempt to educate. I just wish there was a little more... oh I don't know, nothing is really going to make it better.
I get it, all of it, the logical stuff. Learning to stand in line is for safety. It is easier for every kid in class to close their eyes at nap time and sleep. I just wish I felt like putting my kid in school was less like sending her to boot camp. Kindergarten should be more free play and curiosity. Instead they have breakthrough to literacy, math concepts, reading groups... whatever happened to being a five year old? No wonder kids are burned out on school by the time they are teenagers.
Don't get me wrong- I DON'T want to homeschool. I want her to be socialized. I just wish I didn't see her curiosity being methodically stamped out. More like stomped on. She has this wonderful curiosity about the world and that is how she's learned up until now, at home. We go exploring. We learn about life and the world through experiencing it. Free play has been an awesome way for her to learn about how to get along with peers. She's just quit asking the curious questions about everything, and that's unnerving. And the frustration and crying fits that come out of her some days after school really get to me.
That's the thing about Kindergarten, the thing I was getting to. It doesn't matter anymore if she was breastfed, or rode in a sling for the first year of her life, or co-sleeps, or whatever. It is irrelevant how she was parented up until now. All things are equal now, and she is being judged on her own. Are they going to say she is slow because she is so young? Is it really a big deal that she writes half of her letters backwards? What kind of labels are going to be slapped on her? I hate it, and I hate that I can't do anything about it.
Maybe if the whole attitude toward parents was more- welcoming maybe? It's as if the school is saying, "we don't want your input, just your money. We know what's best for your child (and you don't). We know how to best educate your child (and you don't). Trust us to do the right thing." Which would be fine if I had any faith in institutions who think they know what's best for my kids. Or if it didn't sound so damn condescending. It's a fact that kids do better in school when their parents are involved. I have to wonder if disrespect for parents doesn't trickle down by the time these kids are teenagers- if they're just reflecting the school's behavior.
I've already labeled myself the difficult parent anyway. Elle told me they were using hand sanitizer in the classroom before snack. There is a sink in the classroom. I went ballistic when she told me that, emailed the teacher, the nurse, and the principal. The nurse didn't understand why the teacher wasn't following protocol (there is NO policy in place), the principal didn't know anything about it, and the teacher started having the kids wash their hands before snack (even though it takes longer). In the light of swine flu hysteria, the very least they could do is have the kids wash their hands!
They did institute a policy, based on the verbiage I sent in. They put it in the school newsletter. I felt like an idiot for making such a big deal about it, but really? What would it take for a five year old to lick that stuff (which carries a poison control warning label) off their hand? Not much. I'm sure that won't be the last thing I will freak out about, and I'm sure the staff has been talking about it because Elle came home and repeated some snippets of conversation she overheard about me. Not pretty.
I think the other part of the problem is that many parents expect the school to raise their child. I expect no such thing. I am going to raise my child, thank you very much, with the school's help. I just hope this pain goes away at some point. I want to be there for her, and I can't be, and it hurts like hell.
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