Life Lessons

So I have been taking this course, Soul Restoration, that I found through a friend in Iowa.  It has been amazingly life changing and has helped me see even more patterning that I need to change.  It really is amazing how many lessons I have learned since we moved to Florida.

The first and best lesson I learned from this course was about boundaries.  Setting them, honoring them, not allowing people to violate them, walk all over them, or destroy them.  What I didn't realize is that I have had permeable boundaries for as long as I have been living.  When you are young and your "no" statements are over-ridden, either by words or by force, you don't learn how to develop and keep boundaries.  Then when you get a bit older and have the language to say that you are being hurt and would appreciate it if the person would stop, and the person says that you are "too sensitive", that is a violation of your boundaries.  If you don't stand up for yourself again, the person thinks that it is ok to continue being abusive and will walk all over your boundaries as long as you let them do it.


Basically this is how it goes in abusive relationships.  It is a learned behavior, and again I am not blaming anyone for this patterning.  It helps to be able to see it, though, because when you grow up with it you see through it.  There is no way someone can abuse you, make you feel less than what you are, take you down a notch, or affect you in any way if you have strong boundaries.  Abusive families don't allow boundaries because then the abuse won't work.

I am beginning to learn what this has meant to my friendships throughout life.  People you meet in school don't count because you will always have something in common with them.  What I am talking about is all the trouble I have had making new friends when we move someplace new.  I am always attracted to people who are similar to me in background, which usually gets me into trouble.  I have a really, really strong intuition about people and whether they are good for me or not, but that doesn't mean that I always listen to it.

What I am just beginning to understand is that healthy people have boundaries.  They will not let you cross them no matter how hard you try.  They are not going to be your new best friend in the first weeks or months that you know them.  They are going to wait and get to know you and decide if they really like you first.  That is the way normal people with boundaries are.

My mistake in the past has been coming on too strong, trying to get in too quickly, and gaining friends too quickly who have the same boundary issues that I do (if they didn't they wouldn't be instant friends, right?).  And ignoring or not seeing the toxicity and passive-aggressive behavior that may come with people who have no boundaries.

Basically this is how it goes for someone with no boundaries- you meet them, they come on really strong, want to get together all the time, use you for the information or companionship or whatever else they need, and then drop you when they no longer need you.  I can't say that I have done the latter part a lot, but I can say that I have made the mistake of just disconnecting from friends when we have moved away to another state.

I have also mistakenly assumed that people only need as much contact as I do.  I told a friend when we were in Iowa that I was completely happy with getting together every other week or so and talking on the phone when we needed to.  Not everyone is built like that.  Usually when someone moves away the contact continues and then tapers off.  The funny thing is I realized this as I was reading Alexander Who Is Not Going To Move to my kids.  I really have never had closure when we leave a place to move somewhere else, except maybe from New Orleans, because that chapter in my life needed to end.

Anyway, back to my point.  I have been dropped like a hot potato more times than I can count since I moved here.  Maybe it's Karma.  Probably it is.  Or just the Universe making me learn my lesson.  I made two wonderful friends from the Midwest who no longer talk to me.  One I think I pushed too hard and one I just backed off from because she was afraid to tell me she had a problem with me nursing Miles in front of her and had her friend do it for her, in a pretty demeaning way.

People can be really flighty, flaky, and fake here much like California.  I don't know if that is the root of the problem or if it is that I am repeating the same pattern, befriending people with no boundaries.  Or if I am noticing more and more which people are toxic and which ones are not, and then being distant and non-committal because it's not nice in the South to tell someone you don't like them.  It's easier to just distance yourself, I guess.

My friend Naomi told me before she moved to Seattle that it took her a really long time to meet genuine people here.  I'm beginning to understand what she meant.  My friends in the Midwest were solid, genuine people who would help you out and lend a listening ear.  That has been really, really hard to find here.  I have found a few gems so far.  But what I guess I need to do is learn to be a good friend first while keeping my boundaries intact, and learn that dance of getting to know each other without violating someone else's boundaries.

It's interesting, and I'm learning.  Mistakes are part of the game.  I'm just glad I figured it out now instead of 50 years from now.  That's what life lessons are all about, right?