What the heck just happened?

Suddenly, I find myself the mother of three children in school.  How exactly did that happen?

Sometimes these things happen when life just flows- opportunities come along that seem too good to pass up.  I had looked at the Montessori Kindergarten at a private preschool, that was originally going to be affiliated with the Charter school, in April.  I decided that it wouldn't be a good fit based on the teachers and Justin's learning style, which didn't seem to fit into their way of doing things.  So when the kids got into the lottery, I didn't bother to register.

Well, over the summer a few things happened with the Board of Directors and a new Principal/Director was hired as well as all of the teachers.  I know two people on the board and kept up with the goings-on at the school.  Everything seemed to be falling into place for the school so in August we decided to look at the school for Elle, because we felt she needed to be around more kids every day her own age, and because she needed some formal instruction in math.  We were falling further and further behind in the curriculum because it didn't fit her.

What Homeschooling has taught me

Wow that's a heady title, isn't it?  I am at a point in my life where I can see pros and cons of the homeschooling lifestyle, and they are widely disparate and that makes me uncomfortable, because it really is a lifestyle change, much like breastfeeding or not vaccinating or going on a different diet was.

Pros-

Lots and lots of time spent with your child(ren).  This can also be a con.  What homeschooling affords you is time to get to know your children as people, not things.  People who have their own styles of learning, relating to others, writing, reading, drawing, dancing, talking, adding, subtracting, building, crafting, the list goes on.  When my kids were in school I felt more that they were things to be moved from here to there, school, soccer practice, dance class, playdates, parties, you get the idea.  Perhaps it is also because they become their own individual selves, instead of a toddler or baby who absorbs your emotions and reflects them back at you.  Your kids also get to know you.  Your story before you had kids, stories about growing up, the pets you had as a kid, little things they get to know about you because they spend so much time with you and are curious.

On Being Toxic

That's kind of a catchy title, and I'll get to it in a few.  What follows is probably going to be just a spewing of everything that is going on with us.  And it's not pretty.

First of all, the surest way to figure out what your flaws and weaknesses are is to invite your children to live with you, full time.  Homeschooling is so much fun and such an interesting way to learn, but it is something more.  All of my imperfections I now see reflected in my oldest child.  My worrying, my fretting over something new, my ability to take a situation apart piece by piece before it's ever experienced, she's reflecting back at me.  It's not a character trait I'm proud of.  And I didn't expect this, at all.  I didn't expect to have to deal with my SHIT, right now, before it ruins my child.

Wallowing

This was going to be a letter but is turning into a post...

Things have not been good.  I had been circling the drain a few weeks ago for several reasons.  One, first and foremost, my husband works too much.  People say they understand what it's like to have a husband who is never there, but they don't.  When he leaves before we wake up and misses dinner for five consecutive nights in a row, you really don't get it, do you?  No, you don't.  I am starting to be convinced that wives of chefs are either gluttons for punishment or were raised by single parents, so are assured that they can go it alone.  I think I fall into the latter group.  I had a wonderful role model in my mother so I know for sure I can do this alone, I just don't want to have to.

Kicking and Screaming

Well, maybe not that dramatic.  But it felt that way.  Leaving Iowa was one of the hardest things I have ever done, even though it didn't seem real until we did it.  The date was just there, a few months away, then a few weeks, then a week, and all of a sudden we were gone.  That's kind of how my life goes, with three kids I really don't have time to prepare for anything, life just comes at me.

So when we left, we drove down to New Orleans.  Through many, many states, including Illinois this time.  When I think Illinois, I think Chicago.  I didn't know that the majority of it is farmland.  Anyway, by the time we left Iowa I was on a real high, energy kick, and driving down to the South was like being sucked into the Pit of Despair.  That is the only way I can describe it, because there is a negative energy vortex around New Orleans (note I didn't say bad or wrong, it's just negative), which is the complete opposite of places like Iowa or Sedona, Arizona, or Portland, Oregon, or places you have heard of that have very positive energy.