Wallowing

This was going to be a letter but is turning into a post...

Things have not been good.  I had been circling the drain a few weeks ago for several reasons.  One, first and foremost, my husband works too much.  People say they understand what it's like to have a husband who is never there, but they don't.  When he leaves before we wake up and misses dinner for five consecutive nights in a row, you really don't get it, do you?  No, you don't.  I am starting to be convinced that wives of chefs are either gluttons for punishment or were raised by single parents, so are assured that they can go it alone.  I think I fall into the latter group.  I had a wonderful role model in my mother so I know for sure I can do this alone, I just don't want to have to.


Homeschooling can add to the isolation if we don't make a point to get out every day.  Florida has such high population density that there is always someone at the park or the playground to talk to.  Not that everyone talks back, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore.  The other thing that was adding to my isolation was being part of a group online.  When I met these women they seemed like lights in the darkness, aware and conscious people with whom I wanted to spend as much time as I could.  They welcomed us into their homeschooling co-op and made it abundantly clear they wanted us there.  There was just something about them I couldn't pinpoint, and I was frustrated that most of them lived on the other side of town.

I suppose they got comfortable with us after a while.  Then the claws started to come out of women who I had held in high regard as aware... and it was not pretty.  I hated gossip in Iowa (it's a big part of farm culture- picture talking over the fence), and made it a point to avoid those who were nasty about it.  Suddenly I was surrounded by people who gossiped about other mothers that were in the same group online.  Anything that was posted on the board was fair game.  I really didn't react at first, was just kind of taken aback that judgement was being passed on people our co-op members didn't even know personally.

I'm not saying I'm above gossip, but it got uglier.  I was never approached directly about any of my posts, but you all know me and my strong opinions, and how I love to write.  The most I got was that I "needed to think about how I am perceived on the board".  As if I give a flying flip!  Then there was a joke made, and someone took offense, and a free-for-all, and when all was said and done the offending member was removed.  The removed member just happened to be someone that had been discussed at co-op.  I removed myself from the group because I am not going to stand by and watch bullying take place, or continue to listen to nasty gossip.  I was also getting more and more frustrated at the isolation I was feeling by trying to connect with people on the computer, most of which live far enough on the other side of town that real-life interaction isn't going to take place.

So back to square one.  Time to find a new co-op and some new friends.  And take it slower this time, and not force it.  And not trust people so blindly.  One of the moms from the online group lives in our complex and invited us over.  I realized after we left her place that I had been on stage.  She had been talking about judging herself and her own parenting.  What I didn't realize was that she was watching every parenting move I made, and when I fussed at Justin I got the doe eyed, sweet-voiced, "Is something wrong? *blink* *blink*??"  As if correcting my son was the worst thing I could do.  She was judging me just as harshly as she was judging herself.

Many of the co-op moms had children in preschool.  The group is really into parenting techniques and discussing them.  However I really believe, that if your kids are in school even part of the day, that it's easy to put the positive parenting hat on and take it off.  When you're homeschooling you can't do that.  You have to integrate it and make it part of who you are and how you act.  I'm not saying there aren't wonderful parents who have kids in school.  I'm saying that having to change my parenting style and integrate it into my being is changing me.  Which is probably good.  Changing ingrained behavior is very hard, and I find that I get exponentially more support from other mothers who are committed to homeschooling and understand my daily struggles.  It is hard to fathom if you're not in it.

The whole co-op thing disgusts me, because instead of trusting my instincts and walking away when I could have, I decided to stay and investigate why I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong.  I spent two and a half months getting to know some of the mothers that I knew in my heart were not going to be my friends, but I ignored my instincts.  I kept driving to the other side of town, week after week, determined that it was going to work out.  It didn't, because I simply cannot ground myself here and see with any sort of clarity.  I don't know why, I just can't.  I tried to ground myself to clear the house of all its negative energy (and yes there is some, I keep hearing echoes and talking in Elle's room-  which happens when you tune in, don't worry :), and I couldn't. I cleared it all right, just not to the extent that it needed.

So I think since I have left that group that now it's time to invest my energy in some positive pursuits.  And try to find some people who are conscious and aware.  They are hard to find in Florida, because very few people are from here and some people that consciously decide to move here are usually running from something (family, weather, you name it), and don't take ownership or pride in where they live like Iowans did.  It frustrates me that people here can't see how much the world is changing and how much consciousness is shifting, because it is a rat race here and the weather lulls you into submission.

So I think the point of this post is to let you know that I had been wallowing in negativity.  Negative people, my husband being gone all the time, overwhelmed with working at getting homeschooling right. Now I'm shedding the negative people, and hubby is home much more.  He's got to use his PTO before the end of the year, so he's taking an extra day off here and there and that really helps.  And what I realized about homeschooling is that it is much more like tutoring than school.  It's not the end of the world if you have to start over and find something else that works better for your kids.  It's a huge learning process, figuring out how they learn best and what their strengths and weaknesses are.

I know the negativity is not me anymore.  Sure I can find the negative in anything, but it also depends on what wavelengths you surround yourself with.  Being surrounded by positives makes a huge difference.  I talked to two of my friends in Iowa in the past two weeks and it dawned on me how much better I feel when I can talk to someone who is aware, conscious, and positive.  I hope I can find consciousness here, I'm just not going to hold my breath for too long.  And I'm certainly not going to let myself drown.