On Being Toxic

That's kind of a catchy title, and I'll get to it in a few.  What follows is probably going to be just a spewing of everything that is going on with us.  And it's not pretty.

First of all, the surest way to figure out what your flaws and weaknesses are is to invite your children to live with you, full time.  Homeschooling is so much fun and such an interesting way to learn, but it is something more.  All of my imperfections I now see reflected in my oldest child.  My worrying, my fretting over something new, my ability to take a situation apart piece by piece before it's ever experienced, she's reflecting back at me.  It's not a character trait I'm proud of.  And I didn't expect this, at all.  I didn't expect to have to deal with my SHIT, right now, before it ruins my child.


I'm sure it's not that dramatic.  She is resilient, and wasn't ruined by public school, so probably won't be ruined by me either.  But there is something else.  I never understood why I don't care about relationships once they're over.  Why I could just walk away and never look back.  Then I took the Avatar course, and found out that I have always had the transparent belief (a belief that I formed during a time of stress that I don't even know is there) that conflict ends relationships, permanently.  What a silly way to be, and go through life.  I have always been afraid of conflict because I think it ends relationships (it ended my parents' when I was 10, which is probably where the belief comes from), which it doesn't.  Conflict is a natural part of life.

And so now that I realize it, I have to consciously STOP myself from breaking or dis-creating relationships that have conflict in them, just for the sake of not having conflict in my life.  And I have to stop now, because it hurts my children.  If there's one painful lesson I've learned here in Florida, it's that walking away doesn't usually hurt the other people that we were in relationship with, it hurts me.  Burning bridges isn't good for anyone.  It may make life less stressful for a time, but those same people are still there, and the conflict isn't just going away because you decided to stop talking to them.

I've had to explain to Elle that her friend, who drives her up the wall, is in her life for a reason.  She's there to help Elle learn to stand up for herself.  The constant conflict that my children have with this only child is teaching me also, about not breaking bonds because someone says something rude, or criticizes, or is just plain a pain in the ass.  And I have to say that I am proud of Elle.  She has stood up to her friend much more lately, and I am so glad for her, because I didn't learn that lesson at her age.  I didn't learn that lesson until much later in life, and paid for it dearly, because I was a doormat for a very long time for my friends.  They walked all over me, dumped all their crap on me, and because I was a patient, loving person who listens, I just absorbed it.  That's a lot to shed after years of "taking it".  And it is why I don't talk to many of my high school friends anymore, because they used me to dump on, and didn't ever act as sounding boards for me.  Because conflict and standing up for myself was too scary to deal with.

And the other thing that I'm learning, is that walking away before you've stood up for yourself, or faced the tough issues in your relationship, or even dealt with stupid petty things that are bothering you, is worse than holding a grudge.  The energy is still there and then you have to shed it, instead of having talked it over with your friend and gotten it out of the way.  I hate living in a place that's so dishonest, trying to come to a place of truth in my life, and say what I need to say, when people can't even be honest with themselves here.  There is so much facade to get through I get frustrated.  The billboards here depict divorce lawyers, plastic surgery, and reminders about traffic laws.  If I can't expect people here to pull over for emergency vehicles, how can I expect them to extend me the courtesy of telling me their truth, or what they think of mine?

That, perhaps, leads to the issue of being toxic.  Sometimes in a relationship, when you can't say the things you really need to say, or stand up for yourself, it comes out in other, not so pretty ways.  I am having to face the extent that I contribute to toxicity in my marriage because of the lies we tell each other and some of the lies we have made up as our story.  We were so young when we met, that we have both made mistakes over the years, and covered them with lies or with a story we tell ourselves, instead of looking at things head-on.  That works for teenagers, but not adults.  And sometimes when you tell each other lies, and perhaps believe them, or start living them, your unease with hiding the truth makes your toxicity come out in other ways.  Like picking at your spouse.  Criticism, biting comments, complaining about who he is, who he isn't, what he does, what he doesn't do.

How many times have you said, or heard people say, "If he would just... then I could..."?  What I realized is that it isn't about him.  It's about me.  He has no responsibility for my toxicity, I do.  I'm the only one who can face my truth and try to be the parter I want to be, and hope he reciprocates.  I can't control him any more than I can control the weather.  What I can control is the way I respond to him, and try to banish the lies I tell myself to make myself believe the conflict is just going to go away.  And speak my truth, and hope he speaks his.

Which leads to me telling myself the truth that I love homeschooling, but it is exhausting me.  It probably works very well for people who have support systems, husbands who are there to help teach, or family to give them a break.  I don't want to give up my identity for my children.  I no longer have time for myself, and I want it back.  Now, not a few years from now when my kids get older.  I don't have time to write, or have another adult to talk to on a daily basis, or any time for peace and quiet.  And I'm taking on trying to build a supportive group of friends who know what I'm going through and can tell me the plain truth.

I'm frustrated because I have trouble making friends.  I don't understand some ways of socializing, or why people get upset about things, or the gradual dance that happens when people are getting to know each other.  I'm frustrated for my children because I have trouble making friends.  Homeschoolers are the most unique and amazing bunch of people I have met, and they isolate themselves, so that they can teach their children themselves.  I'm starting to figure out how to make heads or tails of making friends with people that isolate themselves, but it's slow going.  When I ask how people get by without talking to another adult all day, I don't get much back.  It seems to be one of the pitfalls of a job that has wonderful rewards in teaching your children.  Unfortunately, I'm at a time in my life that I NEED to connect with people, not isolate myself.

Sometimes sharing your truth is scary for people.  Being real, and raw, and not faking that you are happy, or telling people that you are limping along, can be frightening, and scare people off.  How could I possibly share so much of my life or even not try to appear happy?  Well, that's because I'm very frustrated right now.  I don't see the point in lying about how I feel anymore to make someone else feel better.  This is who I am right now, and I am looking for people who can reflect my truth back to me, and help me not take myself or life so seriously, and just cut me a break for being human, with all its complexities and frustrations.  I want to be REAL.  Perhaps I can see through facades easily because I kept one up for so long.  And that's what's involved with coming into your truth.  It's ugly, it's painful, and it's scary.  It's worth it, though, if you are going to live an authentic life and be true to your intentions and where you want to go in life.